onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
