Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
