could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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