if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
No more Irish car bombs ever.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
