I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
