you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
