Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
