and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
