We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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