I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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