If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
