You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
