my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
