My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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