so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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