I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
