Swine flu. Run for my life!
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
