Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
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Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
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So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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