So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
