I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
