he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
