I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
