tequila makes me forget i have legs
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
