I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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