Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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