she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
