They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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