If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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