i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
