You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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