You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
