Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
