apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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