Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
