Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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