Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
...so i touched it.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
