Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
