I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
