She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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