Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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