i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
