Non-Jews are for practice
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
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