Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
