i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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