White coat. Heels.
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Randomize
