i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Acid is not a monday night drug
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
