if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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