she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The police scanner is talking about you again....
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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