Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
