Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
