The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
