The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
