I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
me + whiskey = a bad person
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
