opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
